A Memoir, Kinda... Part 3

November 20, 2015

Sometimes, Shut the fuck up!
Or, as my grandmother would have put it,
"Know when to quit."


Having grown up gay in a small town, I was filled with a sense of standing my ground and justifying my position on everything, pretty much all of the time. While I believe that that mentality served it's purpose at the time, I've also grown up. And in growing up, I've learned something that apparently many people have not, when to shut the fuck up! So for those of you who have missed out, or just ignored the memo, here's a comprehensive list. (I will continue to update it throughout the year.)

When to shut the fuck up:

When you are talking to an idiot, about anything. 

This is a person who is simply unaware, and either through genetic disposition or laziness will continue to remain unaware. They are usually not mean, just dumb. To be clear, this is different from someone who chooses to be ignorant, they appear later in this list.

When your grandmother asks how your date went.

If you're like me, you're a pretty open person in general. It can be difficult, at times, to figure out when to be not-so-open. This is one of those times. Grandma doesn't want to know that his cock is pierced. At least not usually. If she does, then Rock On grandma!

When your boss asks if you have any big plans for the weekend.

He probably just wants you to pick up an extra shift. Have fun with this one, just don't over-share. Your boss does not want to know how excited you are to try ecstasy with your bestie.

When the officer asks if you've been drinking.

He already knows the answer. He doesn't need your help.

When someone yells at you for wishing them a "Happy Holidays."

It's not even worth it. This person is a special kind of asshole who is unable to see that you were offering a kind word to them, they only see you, specifically and literally, taking a shit on the baby jesus. That's what they actually see. These people are a scary kind of crazy. It's ok though, the jew behind them in line will totally appreciate your kind word. Jews are almost always nice, as a rule.

When that girl who dropped out of high school posts a picture of her and her 5th baby waiting in line for food stamps, with the caption "#singleladies #babymama #datassdoe #thuglyfe".

I know, I know, I KNOW! Believe me, I get it, I totally understand why you want to say (or more likely type/post/re-post) something about this, but trust me people like that travel in packs, and she's probably friends with like 35 other people who are living on the system, and as long as they are given the bare minimum for survival (and enough to buy weed) they will never achieve anything more. Just walk away. With any luck one of her offspring will sure cancer or something.

When the redneck who lives next door tries to explain to you why the confederate flag is a symbol of freedom, and American Pride. 

Give the poor guy a break and don't make him mad, he's probably got several guns. Also, he's probably dyslexic, he just got the white and black parts of his history text book switched around.

When your significant other asks you to do the dishes, but you'd rather take a nap. 

Just do the dishes. chances are you can avoid hours of nasty passive-aggressive fighting, and you can always nap after they're done.


When to NOT shut the fuck up:

When you think a loved one might have a drug of alcohol problem. 

Just be creative in how you handle the situation, like offer to take your buddy to a really great bar, then drop him off at an AA meeting. Or switch out your friend's cocaine with cornstarch. Sure, they might get pissed, but after at least you'll have some of that cool goo your used to make in science class. Plus I'm pretty sure you can't OD on cornstarch, but don't quote me.

When a friend asks you to come to their house for a "gathering of like-minded individuals" to talk about a good or service that has "changed their life."

This is an invitation to some bullshit pyramid scheme. Go if you want to, but feel free to fuck with them about this. Chances are they have already bought in, and only now realize how dumb they are.   (NOTE: This does not apply if the gathering they are talking about is a sex toy party, ALWAYS go to those!)

When someone without children tries to give you advice on how to raise your kid, based on the fact that they own a dog/cat.

Slap this person in the face, then berate them as you see fit. They clearly know nothing of the living horror that is raising a child (as seen from the outside). This person is likely trying to appease their girlfriend/boyfriend by showing them how responsible they are by "raising" an animal. If this is a single person, then they are probably a crazy cat lady, and you should just run. Men can be crazy cat ladies. (NOTE: If the person names their animal a person name, like Jeffrey or Carl, you're dealing with the first kind. If they name their animal something majestic, like Princess Chi-Wow-Wow or Dave Meow-thews, you're dealing with the second.)

When someone gets all high and mighty about working in their field of study just a few years after college, while you are working some bullshit job just to pay the bills. 

Punch this person. Punch them hard, then explain to them in excruciating detail how their severe lack of student loan debt classifies them as un-American, and the fact that their uncle knew a guy who gave them their entry level job is the only reason they got in the door in the first place. Also explain how your personal projects are the life blood that keeps you  If this person also happens to be one of those assholes who always talks about how great they are, just light them on fire, and run. The cloud of arrogance that's been building up in their head and ass is highly flammable. You might want to selfie in front of the ensuing fire-ball for proof that you know what it looks like when a star collapses. #sorrynotsorry.