A memoir, kinda.....

So I planned to begin a daily journal on my birthday, and I am already behind. The plan? To write one thing I've learned in life, each day. Then When I turn 30, I will have a collection of 365 things I've learned by 30. I think it will maybe be printed in a formal book. So, here goes my catch up!

November 18, 2015

"Candy is dandy, but Liquor is quicker... and will aggravate your dormant alcoholism."

I took my last drink of alcohol probably around September 15 or 16, 2012. I say probably because that was the tail end of a several month-long bender which saw me drinking until I blacked-out 4 or 5 nights a week, and quite frankly I can't remember. What I do remember is that September 22 of that year is when my (still) boyfriend Will came over to my parents' house (where I lived at the time) and talked to me (after ignoring me, justifiably, for about a week) and laid down the law. He told me that he could no longer watch me destroy myself, and that I had a decision to make. Him, or the alcohol.

Let me give you a little background on me. I'm a Scorpio, and I don't like being told what to do. Ever. I'm also a first born, and was raised to be fairly independent. So, in any other circumstance, I would have told him to fuck off, and manipulated the situation so that I looked like the victim of a mean boyfriend who was trying to control me. But that would have all been bullshit. Complete and total nonsense. I knew I was in a bad place. I knew I'd been there for a while, and I had no idea how to get out. I knew that when I looked in the mirror (which I do often, because I'm vain) I had no idea who was looking back at me. I don't think anything had changed physically, but my eyes looked dead to me. I stared into a vacant expression for the first time in my life, and if there's one thing that I am not, it's vacant. I've got opinions about my opinions, and favorite favorites, so seeing this shell of a human was terrifying. I can honestly say that I had no idea what the answer to fixing my situation would be, but I knew that there wasn't anything at the bottom of any bottle what was helping me. So I quit. I made the decision to keep my boyfriend, and ditch the booze. I had no idea how amazing the journey would be then. I'm so grateful to have Will by my side, along with the love and support of my family and friends. I've been sober for over three years now, and it's hard to remember why I wanted to lose myself back then. Most days it's hard to remember, but every once in a while I come across some asshole at work, or something genuinely tragic happens, or I am faced with a situation that makes me feel insecure, and I remember. I remember feeling overwhelmed by my emotions, and buying into the delusion that I was in control and that I felt I was losing control, and thinking that drinking it all away made a lot of sense. And it did. Alcohol absolutely worked. It took away all of my pain and filled me with a warmth that I will probably always miss a little bit. Alcohol helped me forget my worries, until it didn't. And it never did again.

Losing the one thing that worked meant that I needed to find a new way of going about this problem (life) and getting a handle on my life again. I knew that no other drug was going to fix it. I'd never really been one for drugs, no judgement, they were just never my thing. Alcohol was my thing, then it wasn't. So, I figured I'd replace a negative behavior with a good one. It seemed like a good idea, at first. I spent less time at the bar and more time with my Xbox. I know some people don't see video games as much of a positive, but I've always been drawn to games that engage me creatively and intellectually, so I think they can be just fine! I started throwing myself into gaming, and I quickly saw why this wasn't going to work. One of the most important aspects of my life has been my need for social interaction. And although drinking myself into oblivion was pretty counterintuitive, sitting with friends at the bar did give me the social connection that I longed for. So, with the help of one of my lovely lady friends (who also happened to be the best bartender I've ever known) I set aside a day or two a week to go back to the bar, but sober this time. I knew I'd need help with this, so I asked her, Jody, to help me with my transition by making up some "fancy fizzy fruity" drinks, so I could still feel a part of the action, without the nasty blacking out part. Holy shit, did she deliver! I had seltzer and cranberry with a little lime, ginger ale and grenadine, cherry soda (with actual cherries!), and even pineapple and lemon in tonic water! What a fantastic bevy of beverages she made for me! And I was still able to see my friends.

It was not long, however, before I realized that very few of these people were even tolerable drunk, and most of them annoyed the shit out of me when I was sober! I also discovered that many of the people who populated that particular barroom were probably just as miserable as I was, not all of them mind you, but many. The only difference I could see was that the alcohol still did something positive for them. Sometimes. I quickly learned that only a handful of the people I knew had any respect for my declaration that I needed to remain sober, and quite a few people responded to that declaration by offering to "fix it" and get me a drink. So, after several months of sober bar evenings, and many many hours of video games, I began to get really restless and irritable. I had removed the alcohol from my life, but somehow I was still a pretty nasty person (Will can will tell you that in fact, I had become even more difficult to be around). I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on! Wasn't I doing better?

Then one day, while out shopping, I casually made mention of the fact that I was just about to hit seven months sober when a friend overheard me and asked what had led to the decision. After bringing her up to speed, she told me that she'd been sober for over 4 years, and that if I ever wanted to go to an AA meeting and see what it was all about, to let her know and she'd go with me. "AA? Is that really still a thing?" I remember thinking to myself. I figured I'd give it a try. I'm a pretty open person, and I'd try just about anything once, so why not? She took me to my first meeting, and I've attended religiously ever since. I won't "preach the good word" of AA here, but if you or a loved one feels you may need help, please feel free to contact me and I'll gladly share more details of my experience of the program and the community that makes up AA. I really can't speak highly enough of it. It changed my life.

So, after three years of living without alcohol in my life, I have learned this... some people can sweet talk their way through their lives, some have to drag others through their garbage, but at the end of the day we all have lessons to learn in the time that we are given. Personally, I needed to crawl through the muck for a while before I was ready to start over. And I do believe that I have started over. In many very real ways, the old Stewart died passed out drunk on the bathroom floor of that bar. I mourn him sometimes, but he knew what he was doing to himself, and he deserved every bit of pain and torture that he got, because if it weren't for the suffering, depression, humiliation, and self-loathing that he experienced, I wouldn't be here today. So today, I'll stick with the candy.